


Dog eat dog world

by m_findlow



Category: Torchwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 00:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13399632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_findlow/pseuds/m_findlow
Summary: Proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks





	Dog eat dog world

The swirl of black bounded past Ianto again in a rush that threatened to knock him over on his backside.

'Argh!' He yelled in frustration, feeling rather like Linus did when Snoopy assailed him for his blankey. The black cyclone of a labrador that was tearing around the hub was more than he could put up with.

'Somebody grab him and chain him up, for God's sake!'

Owen lunged for the canine, but it was too quick for him, dodging past easily and tripping up Gwen in the process.

'Why did you let Jack bring this stupid mutt into the hub in the first place?' Owen grumbled, picking himself, and Gwen, up off the floor.

'I didn't.' In fact he'd been quite firm, as he recalled. Sure, it wasn't another ostrich that Jack had tried to adopt this time, but even a dog was far beyond what they could handle. With a hub full of weevils, spidermice and a pteranadon, who had time for conventional pets? Especially since it would be Ianto left with the task of looking after it

'Where's Jack?'

'In his office, where we left him,' Gwen replied. 'He seems quite happy to stay there.'

'Well at least we've manged to keep one of them well trained,' Tosh said hopefully.

'Shame it's never the right one,' Ianto grumbled.

'Now's probably not a good time to mention how much he's drooled all over the desk, then,' she added, guiltily.

Why did this always happen to them? he thought. Bad enough that Jack was taking in strays, now this stray had somehow done a complete body swap with his fiancé, leaving Jack's body with the mind of a dog, and Jack now a four legged monster, hell bent on destroying the hub. Clearly a dog's brain couldn't contain his entire intelligence, meaning Jack had the IQ of a canine, resulting in their current predicament of not being able to get him under control.

'I could try a tranquiliser dart,' Owen suggested. Before any of them could agree to it, some part of Jack's brain had obviously cottoned on to what was being said, because he darted across the hub and away down to the lower levels.

'Great, now we've got to go chase him.'

Ianto turned away and grabbed his coat.

'Where do you think you're going?' Owen exclaimed, not looking forward to the task, and even less so if the Teaboy wasn't planning on helping.

'The pet store. Tosh, you stay with Jack's body and make sure he's okay. Owen, you and Gwen see if you can't track Jack down.'

'A black dog in the blackness of the lower hub. Brilliant. That won't be hard to find at all,' he snarked.

'I'll be back in half an hour, just do what you can until then. He's only a dog, how hard could it be?'

'If I find out you're off to buy him doggy treats, I'll fuck up your archives good and proper Teaboy,' Owen threatened.

'If anything bad happens to that dog, I'll fuck you up good and proper,' he spat back furiously, before leaving.

 

Owen and Gwen spent the better part of an hour running around the deepest bowels of the hub. It was just as Owen said, almost impossible to find a black dog in the midst of the darkness, especially one who didn't particularly want to be found, but was happy to terrorise them by continually darting past them or sneaking through small passages so that they couldn't follow him.

If they didn't get hold of him soon, they'd be too tired to pursue him any further, and then would have to hope he'd surface on his own. Owen had suggested letting him starve until he got hungry enough to come back upstairs and beg for food. Even Gwen had to admit that was unusually cruel, besides which, Ianto reminded them both, there were plenty of dangerous objects stored in the many archives, and a curious canine might not be afforded nine lives, or even one for that matter. No one wanted to take the chance that his immortality had transferred along with his consciousness.

Finally their collective intelligence had managed to outwit his efforts and they'd manged to back Jack into a corner, with a little help from Ianto who had duly returned and come to find them. If they weren't careful though, Jack looked about ready to dart right between their legs and make his escape yet again.

'Bloody nuisance,' Gwen griped, still a little out of breath. 'The sooner you get a leash on him, the better,' she said, having observed the collection of items in Ianto's spare hand. 'I've gotten more exercise in the past hour than I get in an entire week of chasing weevils.' She was therefore surprised when Ianto didn't reach for the collar, but for something much smaller, from his jacket pocket.

'There's only one way to stop an unruly dog,' Ianto declared. He gasped in a lungful of air and blew hard on a small metal whistle. Owen expected a loud, high pitched squeal to assault his hearing, but all that came was silence.

Jack let out a yelp and fell to the floor on all fours, bowing his head until it too was flat on the floor.

'Much better,' Ianto decided. 'Here,' he said, handing Owen a thick collar. 'Put this on him.'

Jack recoiled slightly as Owen approached, but didn't try to scarper when Owen buckled it around his neck. Ianto leaned down and clipped a leash to the collar. Ianto pulled on the leash to get Jack to stand up and follow them out of the archives. He tugged back reluctantly, refusing to move, but a short, sharp pipe of the whistle soon had him trailing unhappily behind them.

When Owen, Ianto and Gwen finally returned to the main hub, they were surprised to find Tosh on the sofa with Jack. He was lying on his back, with his head in her lap, arms and legs curled upward whilst she was scratching his head. His tongue was hanging out of the side of his mouth, a stupid grin plastered all over his face, and his physical reaction suggested that if he'd had a tail, he'd be wagging it.

'Having fun?' Owen asked.

Tosh looked embarrassed. 'It's not what you think,' she said, as if trying to explain away something totally inappropriate. 'He was lonely and staring crying. He just wanted someone to cuddle him and scratch his belly.'

'Scratch his belly?' Ianto said incredulously, trying not to let his temper flare. It was hard to remember that this was not Jack, and that he shouldn't be upset about it. No one scratched his fiancé's belly except him.

Jack turned his head, tongue still hanging out as he spied his new playmate. He struggled off the sofa, still not quite coordinated properly, trying to walk on all fours which his body just wasn't designed for, so that he could join his new friend. Before he got close enough, Jack barked and growled, scaring him off, and earning himself a sharp tug on the leash as reward for his less than friendly attitude.

'It's okay,' Tosh said, trying to soothe human Jack.

'He never has been good at sharing the limelight,' Ianto confessed.

 

Dog Jack learned quickly, and decided that if he was nice to Ianto, the nasty whistle would go away. He walked over to him where he was busy working at his computer, and sat down, parking his face in Ianto's lap and staring up at him with dark brown eyes.

'Don't think you can win me over with the puppy dog look,' Ianto warned. 'We're still trying to figure out how you got yourself into this mess.' He persisted though, and Ianto eventually let his hand slide down to scratch Jack's soft, floppy ear. Jack let out small whines of pleasure at the sensation, tail wagging back and forth sweeping the floor behind him.

'Stupid creature,' Ianto said.

A day had passed, and still they were none the wiser as to what had happened and how. Dog Jack was still trying to cause chaos as much as possible, usually just as soon as Ianto had his back turned, terrorising Owen when Ianto went to feed the weevils and getting under Gwen's feet when she was trying to help Tosh carry boxes of equipment down the spiral staircase. It seemed the dog whistle had done the trick, but now it only meant that he was compliant for Ianto. Tosh had even taken him for a walk, only to find that he was the one who took her for a walk when he spied a skateboarder who was much more fun to chase after than the ball that she'd brought with her.

He also hadn't learned to play nice with his human bodied counterpart, and jealously growled any time Ianto went to check on Jack, and make sure he was okay.

'I see you've still got that possessive streak,' he muttered.

Similarly, it seemed human Jack hadn't taken to his other half's other half. Ianto would enter Jack office to fetch this file or that report, dirty laundry, or that fresh pair of socks he knew he still had in one of Jack's drawers, only to receive a cold and somewhat aggressive reception.

'Doesn't like you, mate,' Owen observed, watching Jack's steeley glare and bristling physique.

'Not my biggest fan,' Ianto agreed.

They hadn't exactly gotten off on the right foot when Jack had first brought the bedraggled creature into the hub, and he hadn't done himself any favours in directing him straight towards their showers for a good strong bath. If Jack was keeping him, he'd at least be clean and not smell like a rubbish tip.

It seemed bizarre, but even though there was a dog in Jack's body, Ianto still insisted on tucking him into their bed at night, the only problem being that the Jack trapped as a dog was visibly unhappy about it. Ianto decided that the only solution would be to take dog Jack home with him and leave Jack's body behind at the hub, in bed, but chained so he couldn't go anywhere. He also struggled with the ladder, so Ianto was fairly sure he'd be safe down there, and his chances of escape, slim.

When Ianto finally crawled into his own bed, he pulled the pillow close underneath him and sighed, glad that the day, though unproductive in resolving their problem, was over, and that he could get some well earned rest. Then the whining started. Dog Jack was parked on the floor beside the bed, unhappy and making high pitched keening noises.

'You've got your blanket down there, so stop complaining. You're not sleeping up here.' Ianto rolled over and tried to go to sleep, but Jack's cries got louder and more persistent.

'Not going to work, pal,' Ianto mumbled.

Five minutes later though, he caved in to Jack's pathetic cries and Jack happily pounced onto the bed and snuggled in close to Ianto, nuzzling him with a wet nose that made Ianto cringe.

'What am I going to do with you?' he sighed, wrapping and arm around Jack's soft furry body before they both fell soundly asleep.

 

Days passed, and there was still no change. Somehow the team had just gotten used to the inherent weirdness of it all. Whilst Ianto and Jack's body were hardly best friends, he begrudgingly accepted food from him, but much preferred Gwen's company, or even Owen's strangely, whereas dog Jack had naturally taken a shining to Ianto and Tosh. Ianto because of the ever present threat of an inaudible whistle if he misbehaved, and the fact that Ianto would eventually give in to whatever he wanted, and Tosh just because it was Tosh. She was nice and took him to the park to run around. No one else let him run around anywhere in the hub, and he just loved running.

'Some things never change. Just when I think I've got the first one house trained, I have to start all over again,' Ianto complained, having just battled with Jack getting him showered and dressed, and ending up more wet than Jack had. 'A shame this whistle doesn't work on the human version of him.'

 

The afternoon was quiet as the team settled into something akin to their usual routine. Jack was amusing himself chewing on one of Tosh's expensive shoes, hiding out from Owen who'd been chasing him earlier, after he'd stolen the pizza right off his plate in autopsy when he hadn't been looking.

'Don't let Tosh catch you chewing that,' Ianto warned. Tosh discovered him not ten minutes later, and despite her chastising, Jack just cocked his head and kept chewing, almost defying her to punish him.

'Drat you for being so cute,' she sighed, scratching his ear. 'Now I know how Ianto must feel,' she said, mentally grieving the loss of her shoe. 'Come on. Let's go for a walk to the park and you can chew on the tennis ball all you want.'

Jack barked happily, hearing the word "walk" and knowing exactly what that meant.

 

It was the wee hours of the morning when Ianto was woken by the sound of his phone ringing. He checked the caller ID and was confused for a moment, because it said "Jack".

'Hello?'

'Ianto. Where are you?'

'At home,' he replied groggily, before realising that Jack was actually speaking to him. Huh? His brain tried to catch up.

'Where are you?'

'At the hub.'

Ianto looked down and saw the dog still sleeping next to him in his bed.

'I'm confused,' Ianto said.

'You're telling me. I thought I was asleep in bed with you, then I woke up and you were gone.'

'What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time. Hang on, you must've switched back to your real body.'

'Switched bodies?' Jack frowned, well and truly confounded.

Dog Jack woke up at that point and gave a low growl, realising that he had company, and that in his opinion, this bed belonged to him now and he wasn't sharing. Ianto slowly backed up off the bed, not taking his eyes off the furry black monster.

'Yup, you're definitely you again.'

'That's a relief. I think.'

'I'll meet you at the hub in about twenty minutes.'

'Don't worry about it. I'm fine,' Jack reassured him, he even if he wasn't entirely reassured himself. 'I'll see you in the morning.'

'No, it's fine, really. In any case, my bed is currently being held hostage by a four legged terrorist, so I'm not going to be getting any more sleep at this rate.'

 

As promised, Ianto appeared at the hub not long after, dragging an unhappy looking canine behind him.

'Oh, you brought Buddy back!' Jack squealed, rushing up to the dog and giving it a cuddle. It barked and wagged its tail at the warm reception, tugging on the leash determinedly so he could properly get away from his captor.

'What am I, chopped liver?' Ianto grumbled, annoyed that the dog should be getting a bigger welcome than him.

'Someone got out of the wrong side of bed,' Jack remarked.

'Literally,' he replied. 'So you don't remember the past week?'

Jack looked pensive. 'I sort of do, but don't. I mean, I vaguely remember being at the hub. I think Tosh and I were looking for something at the park. We couldn't find it so we kept going back every day, but to be honest, it's all a bit blurry.'

'Well, considering you had a brain the size of a squash ball, I suppose it's possible your cognitive faculties were affected. You certainly weren't yourself.'

'Hmm,' he replied, still busy playfully roughing up Buddy's head. 'So I was him and he was me?'

'Basically.'

'And we don't know why or how it happened? '

'Nope.'

'Huh.'

'That's all you have to say?'

'Well, I'm back aren't I? No harm done.'

Ianto gave him a weary look. Jack was immortal, and completely nonplussed about these things, to the point where it was bordering on disturbing.

'C'mon. I think I promised you a bed to sleep in.'

Ianto moved forward towards Jack only to have a growl issue from in front of him. There was a black bodyguard between him and where he wanted to be.

'Bad Buddy!' Jack commanded. 'Be nice to Ianto.'

Perhaps it was their shared experience, or maybe just a total fluke, but the dog suddenly changed demeanor completely, jumping up and knocking Ianto to the ground so that he could deliver a large sloppy lick to his face.

'Urgh! That dog is going straight to the animal shelter tomorrow.'

 

When the team came in the next morning, they were only mildly surprised that Jack was back to normal. Working for Torchwood, you just got used to stuff like that.

Owen ran hours worth of tests, but finally declared Jack fit for duty.

'One day I'm going to figure out what makes you tick Harkness,' he griped, 'but I can't find anything medically wrong with you. Mentally wrong is another matter entirely, but we already know that.'

Jack just smiled back at him with one those grins that only served to infuriate him more.

'Get out of my autopsy bay,' he yelled.

Jack leapt off the examination table gladly and dashed up the stairs, smelling the rich scent of coffee approaching. He didn't need to be a bloodhound to track down Ianto's special blend. He paused at the top of the stairs and spun around, as if realising something awful.

'Please tell me I didn't eat dog food?'

'We would never have done that to you,' Ianto assured him, passing him a steaming mug. He spied the dog whistle on the desk nearby and gave it a sad look, picking it up.

'Guess this won't be much use anymore,' he said, giving it a quick pipe.

'Ow!' Jack cried, cupping his ear with his free hand. 'What'd you do that for?'

'You weren't supposed to hear that. In fact, you biologically shouldn't be able to.'

'Well I did,' Jack complained.

Ianto cast a worried glance at Owen,

'Maybe we shouldn't ditch that mutt just yet,' Owen suggested.

Ianto sighed, whilst Jack beamed at the idea of getting to keep his pet a while longer. 'I'll stock up on dog food, then.'

'Good. Speaking of food, I think I could go a pizza. My shout,' Jack said, slurping heavily at the coffee before grabbing his coat and heading out before any of them could argue.

'Should we tell him that when he was a dog he sat there and licked his balls for an hour?' Owen suggested, smirking.

'Don't bother,' Ianto replied, watching Jack's coattails fluttering out the cog wheel door. 'He'd only be pleased with himself.'


End file.
